Elevators. I want to talk about elevators today.

They come in all shapes and sizes, square, rectangular, round even! But I think what really needs to be discussed is elevator etiquette. Hell, I'll even throw in some escalator action in here for you. Hold your applause, k?

Now, if you are a sane human being, with any spatial awareness, WHY is it that when you stand in an elevator alone and another passenger gets on you HAVE to stand near the fucking remote control of the whole car better known as the buttons? And then we have to say "excuse me" to brush our hand past your stinking belly! And of course you have the audacity to look sideways at us and act all inconvenienced.

I just ....cannot. I can't.

What I've witnessed in New York elevators:

• nose picking
• making out wetly and loudly with significant other (...been guilty of that actually)
• groping
• farting (for those of you who know me you KNOW I pointedly stare at that person until they or I leave the premises)
• arguing with mom (this happened in the elevator at Hunter College and it was hilarious)
• arguing with dog (Face Timing the fucking dog)
• PICKING UP DOG'S CRAP (this one in particular is ... just....IN THE ELEVATOR!!!!!)
• Pushing yourself into the car of the elevator when it is clearly full and then looking up as if we all don't exist. (every single person reading this has experienced this I guarantee you)

I haven't witnessed actual fornication in the elevator yet so I guess those are minor things right?

Now on to escalators. In the New York subway. During rush hour.

You're thinking "This happens in every city!"

Wrong. There is basic fucking etiquette on ANY escalator ok? If you're slow, you stand to one side (depending on the side the sheep picked) usually it's to the right. The left is usually considered the "express" lane for those of us who consider a few flights of stairs exercise.

There is an occasional idiot who stands on the express lane but depending on your luck that day, one of the sheep will move to the incorrect side and create a sort of loop hole for the express lane folks to go through. It's all very technical, I  know.

The other day however, a gentleman was moving an entire TABLE (a table, guys, a fucking TABLE!) toward the escalator on Lexington and 53rd Street stop. I was thinking "surely not, maybe he's just queuing up for the elevator. Surely not, this guy cannot be moving an entire table at 8 AM." 

I'll admit right here and now that I was wrong like I've never been wrong before. This asshole cut me off and placed the entire TABLE on the escalator, with everyone in front and the back gaping at him as he took up all the space and left a huge line of people in a rush struggling behind him.

You think I have any faith left in humanity after incidents like this?