Have you been here?

This goes out to all the commuters who brave the sluggish slow pokes in the morning who clearly don't want to go to work and then stare at those same asses in the evening. Literally.

I have a few words for those assholes. 

MOVE. Does your ankle hurt? Did your girlfriend walk out on you? Why did you decide that the one moment to teach your kid how to take his first steps is on a fucking subway platform? Why is your kid dragging his backpack on wheels and practicing his ABCs on a fucking subway platform? YOU HAD THE WHOLE TRAIN RIDE. 

And YOU, you with the phone and Twitter or Instagram and the fucking selfie album, MOVE! 

You see, the reason I'm bringing this all up is because I was in a good mood this morning. I mean, a really good mood. I skipped to the station and listened to the salt crackling under my boots kind of good mood. Then I swiped my card (and it went through the FIRST time). The train arrived the minute I got there and I made it inside without any old Asian ladies racing me to the seats --I'm looking at you Main St. stop on the 7 line.  I felt good. Until I got off at Lexington 59th Street Station. I saw it all: 

• The clueless tourist with a PAPER map (come y'all, we all got smartphones for that shit) 
• The old lady with the walker (at 7 am, I know, I know) 
• The Latin family with too many kids 
• The Hasidic family with too many kids 
• The construction workers who spread their legs three seats wide 
• The homeless lady who doused herself in Fabreze. 

I'm telling you, I have seen it ALL.But what really irked me was the fact that for some reason on a fucking Monday evening, everyone in my train car decided to make a BIG purchase. I'm talking lamps, rods, cabinets, strollers, probably a casket somewhere, and other large items.  I was quietly asleep at my usual window seat, which is why I didn't even notice the horror collecting in my subway car.  

As I was leaving, I wasn't prepared for the sea of boxes and oversized bags bumping into me at every turn, and RAMPAGING to the nearest staircase like it's fucking Black Friday. 

SERIOUSLY people? The same rule applies when you have a child in a stroller: when you have to stop and organize to carry it up the stairs, that means that you have to let the rest of the folks without any baggage pass you because you're hesitating at the middle of the fucking stairs and nearly causing an avalanche. 

Thanks for deciding to ride in the same fucking subway car as me, proving that my luck only works in one hour shifts. 

That is all.